Weird Weapons

Roit police sometimes use rubber bullets. Imagine! Someone, somewhere, had a lucid thought. And I think they might have provided a small opening here. This idea could be extended to larger weapons. Rubber bullet, naugaphyde hand grenades, crushed velvet land mines, silk torpedoes, Nerf tanks, whiffle missiles. How about a neutron bomb made of fake fur?
They also have water cannons. Why not go further? How about cannons that shoot ginger ale? Skim milk? Orange juice from concentrate? And what unruly mob could possible defy a police force armed with a vegetable soupd cannon? Chunky style, of course.
And it's always struck me that our two most-used gases produce only tears and laughter. How about a gas that creates crippling self-doubt? Or a gas that conjures up terrifying childhood memories? Okay, last one: How about a gas that fills you with an unquenchable desire for vanilla pudding?

Dealing with the Waiter

I think when you eat out you should have a little fun; it's good for digestion. Simple things. After the waiter recites a long list of specials, ask him if they serve cow feet.
Even some low-end places are pretentious. The menu can't merely say "cheeseburger". They have to get wordy. So, go along with them. When you order food use their language....look him in the eye and say,"I will have the succulent, fresh-ground, government-inspected choice, all-beef, six-ounce patty on your own award-winning sesame-seed bun, topped with a generous slice of Wisconsin's finest Grade-A cheddar cheese made from only premium milk and poured from large, galvanized stell cans, having originally been extracted from a big, fat, smelly champion blue-ribbon cow with a brain disease."
Issue special instructions. Ask for the French toaste, medium rare. Get a pizza with no toppings, hold the crust. Tell them you want eggs: "Fry the whites and poach the yolks."

Breadsticks

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you'd think breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No thank you. I don't play bread; I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

I'm Tired of...

I've grown weary of reading about clouds in a book. Doesn't this piss you off? You are reading a nice story, and suddenly the writer has to stop and describe the clouds. Who cares? I'll bet you anything I can write a decent novel, with a good, entertaining story, and never once mention the clouds. Really! Every book you read, if there's an outdoor scene, an open window, or even a door slightly ajar, the writer has to say, "As Bo and Velma walked along the shore, the clouds hugn ponderously on the horizon like stell-gray, loosely formed gorilla turds."
I am tired of being unable to buy clothing that doesn't have writing and printing all over it. Insipid sayings, pseudo-wisdom, cute slogans, team logos, designer names, brand trademarks, small-business ego trips; the marketing pigs and advertising swine have turned us all into walking billboards.

Signs

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, No Raping People, Thank you for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank you for Not Undermining the Constitution.
Here is a sign I don't like: Authorized Personnel Only. Now, if there is one thing I know about myself, it's that I am definitely not authorized. I wouldn't even know where to go to get Authorized. Can you do it by mail? Wouldn't baptism sort of authorize you? It doesn't matter; I go through the door anyway. If I get stopped, I say, "Well, I may not be authorized for this, but I am authorized for other things. And your sign doesn't mention which things."

Learning

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot, I never quite memorized it either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember.